


feel

by anonym0vs



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:35:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23448643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonym0vs/pseuds/anonym0vs
Summary: Why couldn't she feel?
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Im Nayeon, Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	feel

8:00 pm, she was there, standing, in front of those dirty and wet windows of a random building at the 26th street. Looking at her reflection again and again, searching, looking for any sign, any reminder. Fixing her bangs, her eyes explored every single detail but there is nothing, her face is empty, not even a single particle has her name, it’s all gone, forever this time. Or that’s what she wants to believe, at least for some hours. 

Red. Red. Red. Red. 

Her name echoes inside her head, like three thousand voices singing in pain, screaming for revenge but there is no time for revenge, no time for anything more than remorse and to hope, to wish. Her name shows up in her brain in bright red neon lights, so sinful, so beautiful, so evil. And with that image she continues walking, down the city, far away from the big buildings and empty screens, she just keeps walking until she sees the dark entry and the broken lights that says “open”. There are not many thoughts, not much reasoning. She enters, she sees the low lights and the bodies with no space between, the darkness of the place, the loud music overwhelming her for a second, making her forget, forget, forget. 

She walks between the bodies, stopping at the center of the dance floor, with bodies crashing against hers, people talking so loud but the sounds are lost under the strong beats, her heart starts to beat, to beat fast, she can’t breathe, she feels how her blood start running, her head feeling hotter and hotter. So she dances. 

Green. Green. Green. Green.

She dances, like this is her last day in this earth, like if she stops dancing the whole world will come down, because it feels real, that thought, it feels so real. She moves her body at the rhythm of the music and the people, she moves her body so the roof won’t fall on her head, she moves her body to breathe. She sweats, she's agitated, she’s lost and found. 

The green lights of the place appear, and she can see, she can feel. Eyes searching, always searching, her body follows her eyes, and she ends colliding with a body, a woman, submerging in her body, looking for something she knows she isn’t going to find. She sees a “N” shining in the woman’s neck, she sees the collarbones, she sees the smile and the prying eyes. She sees everything and her body follows, it just follows like it's receiving a command, she sees their bodies connecting, their chests breathing hard together, their hands roaming, she sees their lips becoming one, trying to get a little of life. She can see everything under the green lights, she’s sure of it, but she can’t feel, she can’t. 

She can’t feel when she walks with their hands interlocked, when they close the door, she can’t feel the touch of the cold hands on her body, she can’t feel anything. But she sees, she sees her eyes, she watches how deep they are, how full of lust they are, how full. 

Red. Red. Red.

Those eyes, they’re an alert, a warning. She doesn't care, she surrenders anyway, she lets herself go, swimming in them, drowning, dying. She closes her own eyes, she stops searching, at least for a few seconds, she stops looking, and for a brief moment, she can feel, how everything is destroyed and created again inside of her own body, on her body, she can feel the world ending in her fingertips, she stops breathing and the low voice in her neck tells her she was resurrected, tells her she’s the god’s daughter, a fucking divinity, no mortal could compare.

When she opens her eyes, she can’t feel anymore. She stars searching again, she looks for it, she can’t find it, not in those deep eyes, not in the cold hands, not in the hot breath, but she keeps going, she keeps going all night until she’s too tired to move, until she can’t recognize who she is next to, until she can’t see. She doesn't want to see.

Green. Green. Green.

The morning comes, the light hurts her eyes. She starts searching, there’s no body next to her, nothing, it felt like a dream, like a vivid hallucination, until she sees the note. Just a happy face, and a signature, “Nayeon”, as proof, as if the note in her hands is laughing at her, telling her everything was real, mocking her once again. 

“Nayeon”, she says out loud, she repeats it, again and again, but she can’t, not even if she tries it a hundred times, she can’t feel it. Her mouth feels empty, and dry, it feels like those words don’t exist. Even with the proof of the reality, she still thinks it was a dream, she wants to believe it was a dream, just a dream where she couldn't feel.

Gone. That moment, that night? it was all gone, never happened, just a bit of life erased from her brain, Nayeon wasn't real, not for her, never for her.

Red. Red. 

A ring, two rings, three rings, four rings. Her phone echoes those rings and they feel like bullets, like bombs, she loses a bit of her life for every ring she hears. Thirteen rings. She made a promise, she wanted to keep it, she wished to. Twenty rings. She can’t see, the roof of her room becomes blurry, the floor becomes black, she's in a cliff, her eyes shut down. Thirty rings. She can’t take it anymore, it feels so heavy, she feels too much.

“Momo”, her name, written in bright pixels, that’s all the text says, that’s all she could ask for, she turns it off. She keeps hearing the rings. She keeps feeling her body get numb. She feels dizzy, so dizzy.

She gets up. She sees again, starts searching, in the mirror, with a better look at herself, she can’t see her, she can’t find her. She wished that was true, she wished she couldn't find her.

Green. Green.

She walks up the city, stops at the 26th street, sudden stop, like she saw ghost, maybe she saw one. Looking around, looking in front of her, she can’t see her, not like this at least, she didn't want to see her. 

But she's there, walking hand in hand with him, with shiny golden rings, with big smiles. She feels, her skin burning, her legs becoming useless, she feels the sky falling down. She turns her vision to the big screens and they're replaying that one night, and the other one, and the other one, and all their nights, she feels the blonde hair in her warm hands, she feels the giggles in her stomach, she feels the heartbeats, she feels their bodies becoming one, their lips giving each other a bit of life, again and again and again. She can feel, she always does, just for her, she feels. 

She felt like a human, she was an atheist, and just her, that woman, could give her life, the life she wanted. There are no gods, and she was no divinity, the only immortality she ever knew was in her hands, real hands, no dreams, no hallucinations, no divinity, just blood and skin, burning her alive.

The name keeps echoing, like a hammer this time, destroying her heart for the fifth time. When she walks pass by her, legs shaking and holding her breath, then, their hands secretly touch, like notice, like prayer. Right there, feeling a bit of her skin, in that moment she knew she failed to the voices in her head, to herself, again. Always. For her always.

She takes out her phone, shaking a bit, full of adrenaline, immediately replies to the text the blonde sent her earlier, she types what’s been on her mind, everyday, all the time, all the fucking time.

“Sana”.

Red.


End file.
